My story

Waves of emotions overwhelmed me the past few weeks.

There were fear, uncertainty, doubt, the desperate need for justification from others whom I thought would know better including about myself and my future.

In the past I always seek for confirmation from others...am I truly this way? Should I go really go for something?

It was only last year I really took an independent step towards my future. It was a foggy path at first but I braced myself and jumped on the ship that was ready to sail to the next harbor (chapter) of my life.

After a year going through lessons and honing my skills (not forgetting exposing myself more to the outside world) I was ready to set forth to the working world.

However after a nearly a year devoted to learning a field I thought I could do well in I began to realise my true passion...the 'passion' that I've always searched for. For a long time I envied (and even cried about) others who have found their passion, especially those younger or of the same age as I am. Yes, my jealously sort of tortured me (or rather I tortured myself), desperate to find my purpose.

All these while I thought about earning good money, to give my family a good life...to prove that I'm capable of being extremely successful without being a professional like a doctor or a lawyer. The deeper reason would be that I didn't want others, especially my family, to pity me and my mother just because my father was the black sheep of the family. I had the "we're doing fine here, thank you!" mentality.

As I experience my first job my heart grew heavy. I felt there was something missing in my life and yet I was torn between my responsibility to my family and letting this go to pursue my passion. I'm very aware that it was very reckless thinking and my instinct warned me that I'm in a delicate position inside because I've been silently beating myself up for not being able to find my purpose in life other than supporting my family financially. I've always felt that there must be something bigger. Yes, I should put my family first before anything else but can't I pursue the thing that keeps me alive at the same time?

From that moment on, I looked everywhere for an answer. I took quizzes, bought books that claimed to be able to guide me to discover my destiny, watched videos that really fired me up (in a motivational way) but still I was missing a purpose. What am I being so gung ho about?

Slowly I began to realise that I've been 'blind' to it all these while. My whole journey, the knowledge I've gathered, the things that I do, the messages I communicated to those around me and the energy I put into myself for my development...isn't that my passion?

With that 'spark' that 'zapped' my consciousness I decided that I want to do something that can help people.

I've expressed to those I'm close to and those whom I thought who's judgment were important to me...but I only received discouragement.

You are still young
You need life experiences
You need to be established first
It's not the right time

I kept those words in my heart, reminding and questioning myself of my intention to go to a path that was 'out of my original plan' set a year ago.

Until someone told me "Who said you don't have life experiences? You have 22 years of them!"

That was when my eyes truly opened. That person also told me that those were just opinions and that what they have told me has made me counterproductive; waiting and waiting for the 'right time' to come while I continuously endure the turmoil inside my heart.

During that special conversation, I gained the strength to set my mind to pursue this path and have faith in my capabilities.

This is my story to why I'm here and here's the beginning of my journey.

This blog may only be a baby step to extending my services to those who needs or seeks it (as I did before). But if I'm able to positively impact one person's life through this, I'll feel fulfilled because I have not ignored the call from my heart.